


When the sun goes out

by Plucky_Brit



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Canon Divergent, F/M, Hurt, major angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-02
Updated: 2016-05-03
Packaged: 2018-06-05 22:38:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6726244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Plucky_Brit/pseuds/Plucky_Brit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His silence was torture. She knew what it meant. Yet… as long as his lips stayed pressed shut she had that one shred of hope, and that maybe was tearing her apart. </p><p>“I’m sorry, Jemma.” He whispered.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry. This is not a happy fic. I think exams are getting to me!

“Where is he?” She said, staring into Coulson’s eyes. He looked straight back at him, the truth written all over his face. He stayed silent.

She took a step forwards, balling her shaking hands into fists and pressing them against his chest. He didn’t move. “Where. Is. He?” She spat venomously. She knew the answer. Of course she did. If there were any other answer it would have come tumbling from Coulson’s lips, reassurance before she’d even have to ask.

His silence meant only one thing.

But she wanted to hear it.

His silence was torture. She knew what it meant. Yet… as long as his lips stayed pressed shut she had that one shred of hope, and that _maybe_ was tearing her apart.

“TELL ME.” She shouted, finally snapping, raising a hand and bringing it down hard onto his arm, before she lost it entirely and lashed out, scratching and hitting him with every ounce of her energy, anything to end this god awful silence. Tears streamed down her cheeks, hot and angry and carving their path across her face, their trail obvious through the dust that coated her. He didn’t do anything to stop her, stood stoically as her tiny hands beat down onto him, let her sob against his chest until finally he brought his arms up, not to push her away but to wrap them around her, holding her tight, refusing to let go even as she swore and scratched and spat. Until, finally, he spoke.

“I’m sorry, Jemma.” He whispered.

She moaned as she felt the last of her hope drift away, her legs turning to jelly as she sunk to the floor, Coulson sunk with her, his arms still wrapped around her, whispering softly into her hair. She didn’t even notice him.

Her sun had gone out. Her world had been plunged into darkness forever, a black hole opening up in the space where he heart used to be, her entire existence doomed to circle the vast void.

She couldn’t breathe. How could she possibly breathe, when he was her oxygen?

She felt bereft, like her brain had been cut in half, synapses still firing but with nowhere to go, all the connections broken. Where he had once been there was nothing, a bottomless crater into which she was doomed to spend the rest of her life falling.

He had been right. They were cursed. She hadn’t listened and this was how she would pay. Cursed to spend the rest of forever without him, each second an infinity in which her heart would continue to beat whilst his wouldn’t, each second aging her more and more whilst he stayed where he was forever, a strand of space-time that would only pull her further from him, never closer, never back together.

It was too much. He was everything.

The only thing.

She had lost it and through him, she had lost herself.

  
The next day, when she had woken in her bed, not his, despite the fact she had not slept in this room since they had recovered Daisy, she wondered if it had all been a dream. All of it, not just yesterday, but everything else too: the stolen kisses, the whispered vows, the silent promises. If none of that was real then he was right through the wall, still sleeping in the early morning. If none of it was real she could handle that.

One look in the mirror told her otherwise, her dirt stained face a map of her anguish.

Numbly she showered, a robot set to automatic, going through the motions without knowing what it was that she was doing.

She got dressed.

She brushed her teeth.

She walked to the kitchen.

Everyone was there, talking softly. She could see the shock in everyone’s faces. They all looked as numb as she felt. Daisy’s cheeks were wet with tears. Lincoln had an arm wrapped around her protectively. That was what he used to do to her, when she was upset. Everyone looked at her when she entered. No one said a word. She ignored them, waiting for the kettle to boil.

She made one cup of tea.

“Jemma.” It was Daisy. Her voice hitched when she spoke, like a swallowed sob. Jemma ignored her. “Jemma, please.” She whispered. Jemma wasn’t sure what Daisy was pleading for. There was nothing left in the world worth pleading for.

Jemma left the room, tea in hand, and walked to the lab. She sat at her station, meticulous as always. He’d left a note on a stack of papers. ' _Thought you'd find these interesting. We could work them into the next Icer?'_  She leafed through the papers: notes in his messy hand on how he thought they could enhance the gun’s biological capacities. Notes that asked her opinions. She left the paper where he’d left it.

She reached for her mug of tea finally, wanting to wash away the ache in her throat. It had gone cold. Beside it was a small Tupperware box, with a post-it on top. _Lunch, love Daisy XXX._ She looked up at the clock, confused, before realising that she had been there for hours. It was closer to dinner than to lunch. She knew she ought to care about that, but she couldn’t find any reason to. Pushing the food away, she turned back to her work, picking up the folder she had been working on before yesterday.

Next time she looked at the clock it was close to midnight. She left the lab quietly, shutting of the lights before she left, muscle memory taking her back to her room. Hers. Not his. She walked past Mack on her way, and he opened her mouth, about to speak. She didn’t even look at him.

So the days went.

One cup of tea, which always grew cold.

Lunch left on her table. The notes it came with growing longer and longer.

Sometimes she ate some.

Late nights that grew ever later.

A world that felt colder every day. The sun had died, after all.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning, this is pretty heavy and so not cheerful. Mentions of drugs and suicide. I'm sorry!

There was never any other ending. She realised that in the end. Star crossed lovers, in the most literal of sense. She had been ripped out of his arms and torn across the universe. And he had crossed the universe to take her back. 

They’d been too lucky too many times. 

The others tried. They spoke calmly. They shouted. They pleaded. They sobbed. Daisy sobbed. May spoke clinically but her words were full of love. They cared, all of them. 

She didn’t have the energy to reply. She didn’t have the words, either. 

She heard them talk about her, quiet whispers sneaking up empty passages and into her ears. In the beginning they spoke about giving her space. Then there was talk of a councillor. He came and she ignored him. One, two, three councillors, all of them trying to make her speak and mourn, to make her normal.

They all failed to see the most obvious thing of all.

There was no going back to who she was, because who she was was one half of a whole. But there was no going forwards either. She was stuck, a broken being in a universe of broken beings.   
Daisy had taken to sleeping outside her door, she realised one night after overhearing a muffled conversation.

“Go to bed. Daisy. A real bed.” Coulson had said.

“I can’t.” Daisy replied. “I know she won’t let any of us in, but she needs to know that we’re here, when the time comes.” Jemma wondered what time she meant. Did they not realise that there was no reconciliation? She was who she was now, nothing but a missing piece in a puzzle that couldn’t be finished. 

“We’ll always be here for her, Daisy.” Coulson said softly. “Don’t think we’re going to abandon her. You don’t need to do this. We’re all watching her.” 

“I’ll stay, though.” Daisy had whispered. And Jemma knew that she had slept there every night since. 

She wasn’t sure what she was waiting for. She was in limbo. Not living, just existing like some primitive organism with nothing more than a base instinct.

She lived by science. He’d lived by science too, and in the lab, in their lab, she let herself forget. She’d feel the ghost of his touch on her shoulder, the tickle of his breath on her neck. She never turned around, never shattered the illusion. It could be enough, she told herself, to have his ghost.

But it couldn’t. 

There was no her without him. And the memory of him, no matter how real, would never be enough.

“It’s been a month, Jemma.” Coulson said quietly one day, standing behind her in the lab. So what? She wondered. Time made no difference. That month had been an eternity, and it would go on being an eternity because every minute without him hurt like it was still the first second. “You need to talk, Jemma.” He told her. No she didn’t: She didn’t have anything to say. “Daisy needs you, too.” He said softly. That was clever. Once that would have worked too, she knew. But Daisy didn’t need her, not really. Not like she needed him. 

Coulson left.

The ghost tapped her on the shoulder. She didn’t turn, sinking instead into it’s feather light touch. “I know.” She whispered to him. “I’m coming.”

She left the lab, turning lights off behind her. Daisy was already outside her room when she arrived, looking at something on her laptop. She stood up when she saw Jemma.

“Hey Jemma.” She said hesitantly. 

At the last second, Jemma stopped, her hand still resting on the handle before she turned and hugged Daisy. Daisy’s arms came up to return the hug. Jemma could feel the surprise in her old friend’s touch.

“You okay?” Daisy whispered.

“I’m sorry.” She replied.

She let go and slipped into her room, sliding the lock behind her. 

It was so simple. So scientific. She slid her hand into her pocket and pulled out the small bottle. One would be enough for her, she’d lost so much weight, her body deciding before her mind had even realised.

She swallowed it quickly.

She lay on the bed. The world blurred. Someone was knocking on the door, shouting garbled words. It was Daisy, she realised belatedly. But she sounded faded, like she was calling to her through water. They would all be okay. She knew that. The world hadn’t died for them. 

She relaxed. 

It wouldn’t be long. 

 

A hand took hers. A familiar hand. She opened her eyes.

“I would have waited.” He said, his voice sad. But his eyes were so very bright, and his smile so very wide.


End file.
